startingover you said "I now realize i was a closet atheist for most of my life."
That was myself. I remember clearly the day when I realized I was agnostic, I was four years old. My grandfather had been talking about God when we were visiting and we were in the car, I asked my mother what grandpa had said and why. She was frustrated with me and told me that it was crazy, etc to not believe in God.
I clearly remember thinking even though I went to all the meetings and both my parents and older sister who was 10 years old had a strong belief in God that they were wrong and grandpa was right. My grandfather was atheist and at 4 years old I did not believe like he did that there was no God but I felt that God did not care about us.
Even though I went on to embrace the JW's as a teenager, young adult. I pioneered, served where the need was great, went to Bethel, etc in my heart I was and have always been agnostic. I just find it strange how a child can be so sure like I was, and even though I lied to myself and tried to force myself to believe in God or a God that cared I always knew deep inside that God never did and does not care about us.
We are such strange people when we can lie to ourselves even.
LITS